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“Previously on Tits of Gold…”



“After nearly dodging a bullet, Chwiis felt it was game over for him, while Lego and Milk made it obvious it was the two of them taking the whole world, leaving Aqua pissed and causing a heated argument.”


“At the immunity challenge, the socks of TDRPW gave the contestants a surprise visit to the doctor’s. Meanwhile Rocky tried to get his team to lose the challenge. But thanks to Ultra’s motivation, the Happy Hams were able to pull off an upset for the third time in a row.”


“At the elimination ceremony, Aqua joined forces with outsiders Chwiis and Garret, taking Lego out, and ruining his chance at a million dollars. Ten are left, who will be sent to the sewers tonight? Find out, right here, right now, on Tits! Of! Golldd!!!”



(Intro plays)



(Furious Fuq Boi- Day 13)


(Aqua, Garret, and Chwiis are sitting around the eating table, playing cards, while Milk is sitting over on his bed, alone, sucking down on a milkshake)


Garret: Double Aces! I win! :D


Chwiis: Ah fuck.


Aqua: You lost Chwiis, you know what that means. Lose something.


Chwiis: *Sigh* Oh well. *takes off shirt*


Garret: *Eyes get bigger*


Aqua: Alright, next round.


(Aqua draws a Jack, Chwiis draws a 9, and Garret originally draws out an Joker, but hides it and pulls out a 5 instead)


Garret: Aw shucks, looks like I lost this round, guys. *takes off pants and strips into underwear*


Chwiis: You’ve been losing a lot, Garret.


Garret: Ikr! So inconvenient for me.


Milk: *From over at his bed* Chwiis and Garret losing? Sounds just like the road they are taking with this game by following Aqua.


Aqua: Someone’s salty.


Milk: Nah, I’m Milky. Hence why they call me Milkshake.


Aqua: Whatever. You are still mad you are now at the bottom and alone with no allies.


Milk: No worries, I’ll just flip to the other team come the merge.


Aqua: I don’t think so. I already made an agreement with RJ the other day. So I’m covered on both sides.


Garret: Wait, you have allies on the other team and didn’t tell us?


Chwiis: Woah woah woah wtf Aqua you sneaky mofo.


Aqua: Whoops, I mean, uh.


Milk: Yep, there’s your trusted ally and savior right there Chwiis and Garret. Mr. Flip-Flopper playing everyone here.


Chwiis: Nobody gets to play the Ogrelord in his home country of Australia!


Aqua: Listen guys, I can explain, I-


Chwiis: Save it for the concentration camp.


Milk: What now, Aqua? Not so cocky anymore?


Aqua: Listen, I HATE this team, alright!? Ever since our first elimination ceremony this team has been such Hell to deal with. And I can’t wait for a swap or merge.


Garret: You really feel that way about us? :(


Aqua: Hell yeah I do! *flips all three of them off* Fuck all of you, I’m out, hoes! *storms out the trailer*


Chwiis: Must be that time of the month again.


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Garret: *In Confessional* I honestly don’t know what to say about what Aqua said. I thought he and I had something special, but I guess I was wrong. :(


Milk: *In Confessional* Yes! Hopefully my plan works out, because if it does, Aqua will be out of my sight before we know it.

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(Later that day, we cut to the Mess Hall, where both teams are eating lunch)


Bat: I just realized that in 20 episodes of this show, this is the first time where there is a scene with all the contestants eating together.


JRO: Mmmmmmmm. *Eating down on pasta* Lotsa lotsa spaghetti and meatballs! Weegee style!


RJ: JRO shut up and don’t eat all the food.


JRO: I’m not! Besides, why am I the one getting to be the butt of fat jokes? Cus I know for a fact that Rocky weighs more than me.


Rocky: Mhm, sure Cliff.


JRO: But it’s true. You’re just trying to make yourself look good while making everyone else look bad. Also figures why you haven’t gotten eliminated yet, writer’s biasedness.


Rocky: You idiot! The reason I haven’t gotten eliminated is cus! *tries to hold in anger* Nevermind, you’re just lucky I don’t even have mod powers like I used to, otherwise I would have kicked the shit out of you by now.


JRO: Whatever, since there is nothing you can do about it. I say fuck you! >:D


(While JRO is in the middle of teasing Rocky, a man dressed up as a mailman walks into the Mess Hall and approaches Rocky. On his uniform is a nametag that says “BoogieMango”)


Boogie: Excuse me, but are you Rocky?


Rocky: Uh, yeah.


Boogie: *hands Rocky a note* You’ve got a special letter from the President of TDRPW, HeObama.


Rocky: Huh? *Grabs note and begins reading through it*


Boogie: Heo sent it to let you know that you are now admin at TDRPW again.


Rocky: Really?


JRO: Oh fuck off!


Boogie: Anyways, have a bloody good day, sir.


(Boogie turns around and walks out of the Mess Hall, as Rocky turns over to look at JRO, who is sitting at the opposite corner of the table, as he gives him a devious grin)


Rocky: Welp, you know what this means JRO.


JRO: *sighs* Just get it over with already.


Rocky: *Bans JRO*


(Meanwhile, at a table parallel of them, we see Bat, GO, and Ultra sitting at one end together)


Ultra: *Looking down at food tray, grinning noticeably*


Bat: Well somebody sure is in a good mood.


Ultra: Hmm? Oh, crap, sorry. It’s just that these last few days have been the best days I’ve had out here so far.


Bat: Well that’s good to know.


GO: HA! GHEEEEEEYY!!!


Ultra: Back off, GO.


Bat: Yeah GO. No need to be so r00d all the time. *gets hit in the face with spaghetti by GO*


GO: CALM DOWN, BAT. I JUST MESSING AROUND WITH YOU AND ULTRA. YOU GUYS KNOW THAT. I’M DOWN WITH BOTH OF YOU DAWGS. DIG IT!


Bat: *Whipes spaghetti off face and rolls eyes* Yeah, whatever.


Ultra: Just do us a favor and keep it down for at least the next few days.


GO: OH….. OKAY! GOT IT! *Gets out his phone and goes onto Kik to hunt bitches*


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Ultra: *In Confessional* Man, I feel so great after winning the challenge for my team the other day. I honestly feel like I’m at the top of my game now and that not even the whole world can stop the one and only, Ultra!

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Milk: Hey, could you keep it down over there? We’re trying to eat. K Thanks.


GO: NO YOU!


Milk: Excuse me?


GO: YOU HEARD ME, BITCH! KEEP YOUR GARBAGE OVER THERE!


Chwiis: GO, you are a disgrace to Allah. Don’t make me get the Jihad on you.


GO: NOT IF I GET IT ONTO YOU FIRST! ALULULULULULU!


Chwiis: We’ll just have to see about that.


(Immunity Challenge- Day 14)


(The contestants are standing near a mysterious white building, as Grass and Señor Toastus come out of one of the building doors, wearing yellow hazmat suits as smoke is seen coming out the door behind them)


Boograssi: Good afternoon contestants! I’m sure you are all pumped for today’s challenge, eh?


Contestants: …..


Boograssi: I figured you guys were gonna have this kind of attitude, but luckily for me, I had planned something big at the beginning of the game, and it’s supposed to be today! So, get ready for a BIG twist.


RJ: OMG! Merge!?


Milk: Nah it’s still too early for a merge. Maybe a double elimination? Or a team shuffle?


Boograssi: Close, Milk. But it’s not gonna be a simple shuffle. but instead, the teams will trade members!


RJ: :O


Ultra: Wicked!


Boograssi: Ok, this is how it’s gonna work out: Since there are ten of you left, we’ll split the teams evenly 5-to-5. Then, the Happy Hams will send away two members while the Furious Fuq Bois will trade over one of theirs. Now, to the Hams, since you guys are giving away two members, I will let the first trade be a volunteer who wants to mutiny.


GO: HA! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! CUS I KNOW I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!


Rocky: *whispers to self* This is my chance. I can finally get off this awful place once and for all! *Begins to step off mat*


(Just as Rocky begins to step off the Hams mat, an anonymous leg, most likely that of Bat or RJ, trips GO from behind, causing him to fall face first and completely off the mat)


Boograssi: And we have our first draft volunteer!


GO: WAIT, WHAT!? NOOOOOOO!!! I DIDN’T DO THAT! I-


Boograssi: GO, your new team awaits ya! Go and step on over to the Fuq Bois mat.


GO: FINE FINE FINE! YOU GUYS DON’T WANT NONE OF THIS!? *lifts up shirt to show off chest* WELL TOO BAD, CUS NOW YOU JUST LOST IT! *walks over to the Fuq Bois*


Boograssi: Alright, now for the Fuq Bois, it’s your turn. Who’s brave enough to leave their team?


(Chwiis, Garret, and Milk immediately look over at Aqua and give him a death stare, waiting for him to happily switch over to the other side)


Aqua: I think I’m fine staying over here.


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Aqua: *In Confessional* While I did remember and deeply consider RJ’s offer from a few days ago, I figured I could use GO and whoever else got swapped to our team to my advantage and get rid of Milk or Garret. And power would once again be in my hands...

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GO: *approaching the Fuq Bois* HELLO TEAM! HI AQUA, YOU GHEY BOI!


Aqua: …….. Um, on second thought, I think I’d feel more comfortable being on the other side. *Steps off mat and walks over to the Hams*


Boograssi: And so it’s Aqua who is leaving the Fuq Bois. Now, Hams, for your second trade-in, we’ll make things a little more interesting. You guys will write down a small piece of paper the name of the person you wanna switch over to the other team. Now send ‘em in.


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Rocky: *In Confessional*  Since Aqua is easy to emotionally manipulate, I needed to make sure the only threat to stop me from getting off this damn game, Ultra, would be the one voted to the other team. So, I played a little dirty and used my writer’s powers to have all the votes say his name when Grass got the votes.

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Boograssi: Welp, it seems the vote was unanimous. It’s Ultra!


RJ: WTF I coulda swore I voted for JRO


JRO: WTF I coulda swore I voted for RJ


Boograssi: Ultra, your new teammates await you.


Ultra: *shrugs* Well, I guess this is something new that can be fun for me. *Walks over to the Fuq Bois mat* Hell new team. How’s it going?


Garret: Why hello there.


Chwiis: Garret, no!


Garret: But it’s been a long time since I’ve had some fresh meat. D:


Chwiis: We can’t let these trespassing infidels get comfortable with us.


Boograssi: And so we have our official new teams. Now that we’ve finally got that out the way. It’s challenge time! Follow me kiddos- I mean campers.


(The contestants and Señor Toastus begin to follow Grass into the building)


Ultra: So what do you guys think the challenge will be like?


Bat: I’d say based off the lab suits, it has something to do with Breaking Bad. So either we are gonna do something with chemicals or we are gonna make drugs.


RJ: Fiz would be proud of this challenge then.


(Grass, Señor Toastus, and the contestants arrive inside, and are introduced to a large, empty warehouse area, with a large, blue cover that seems to be covering a large, underground pool of some sort)


Boograssi: For the last ten days, Señor Toastus and I have been working on something. Making something new like ever seen before. And now it’s finally all finished with. And that’s where you guys come into play. *walks toward cover, preparing to unveil it*


JRO: Here comes the meth.


Boograssi: Behold, the one and only batch of homemade, rainbow colored…


Milk: Meth!


Boograssi: *unveils cover to reveal what’s inside the pool*


RJ: WTF!?


Boograssi: Dildos! In all shapes and colors and sizes!


Aqua: What the actual fuck.


Boograssi: That’s right. Multi-colored dildos. A whole giant pool full of them. And I need YOU guys to carry them out for me. Señor Toastus and I are gonna make a fortune off of these.


Toastus: Si!


GO: EWW YOU WANT US TO TOUCH PLASTIC DICKS EW EW EW!!!


Boograssi: That’s right, GO. *Points to open doorway in the back* Out there are two giant trucks. You guys are gonna carry as much dildos as possible over to them and put them into your team’s truck. After all the dildos have been collected, before the trucks drive off to shipment, Señor Toastus will count the amount of dildos in each truck, and the team with the most dildos collected in theirs will be rewarded with immunity!


Bat: This challenge is still beyond weird.


Chwiis: Blame Rocky and his sick twisted mind.


Rocky: Oh please, you know you love it.


Boograssi: Anyways, ready? On your marks. Get set…. Go!


GO: THAT’S ME! *charges off*


(Everyone scatters around towards the pool of dildos. Chwiis, Garret, JRO, and Rocky dive into the pool while everyone else collects from the outer sides)


RJ: This is kinda like collecting firewood on #Survivor!


GO: AAAAHHHHH I CAN’T BELIEVE I AM TOUCHING PLASTIC DICKY DICKS! AH THE HORROR!


(Garret hops out of the pool with three dildos in his mouth, and a bunch more tucked into his pants, as Chwiis shortly follows with two orange ones in his mouth and a few green and blue ones tucked into his shirt)


Garret: *Tosses dildos into back of truck* This is a challenge I can get used to. ;)


(As the two of them run back, they are passed by JRO and Rocky, who each have a ton of red and black dildos tucked into their pants and in between their legs)


JRO: Mmmmmmmmmmmm.


Rocky: I coulda been outta here on Day 3, and been chilling at home fapping to porn and drinking DP. But instead here I am in a dildo-collecting contest!


RJ: *passing by with ten dildos wrapped in arms* Well at least you’ve had time to think out here and try to gain better Survivor opinions. :D


(Nearly an hour passes by before the pool is completely empty and the trucks are completely stocked. Ending the challenge)


Ultra: Well that sure was fun.


GO: I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO DO THAT AGAIN! ALSO, THERE’S STILL ONE MORE DILDO ON THE GROUND!


(GO points out to a light blue dildo that is seen on the ground halfway between the two trucks)


Bat: Hey, that’s ours!


Milk: Somebody get it!


(At the same time, Chwiis and Rocky instinctively run to the dildo and both of them grab it at the same time and end up playing tug-of-war with it)


Chwiis: Back off Jew! This is property of the Ogrelord!


Rocky: No, I saw it first you non-American communist bastard!


(Chwiis and Rocky continue to pull on the dildo so hard, that it ends up slipping out of their grips and flies high into the air)


Ultra: Uh oh, this can not be good.


RJ: It’s a flying dildo missile! Everybody take cover!


(The dildo then drops right into JRO’s mouth, who had it wide open out of shock when seeing the dildo come straight at him)


Aqua: That’s just gross.


GO: HA! JRO GOT THE DILDO IN HIS MOUTH THAT IS SO GHEY!


JRO: *Voice muffled due to the dildo clogging his mouth* Mmfderperkdidomer! Mmmmmmmm!


(Rocky grabs JRO and tosses him into the back of the Hams truck)


Rocky: There, it’s ours!


Boograssi: Tallying time, bois!


(Twenty minutes later, the contestants are waiting out front, as Señor Toastus and Grass come out with the results written on a piece of paper)


Boograssi: Well, this was a close ass challenge, not gonna lie. But in the end, it came down to a one-dildo difference. So… The winners of this challenge, with a score of 501 as opposed to the losing team’s 500 is….. The Happy Hams!


RJ: Yay!


Aqua: Slay!


Rocky: *facepalms* I just had to get that last dildo, didn’t I.


Boograssi: As for the Furious Fuq Bois, you guys will be seeing me at the Elimination Ceremony for the fourth time in a row. See ya tomorrow night.


Ultra: Wow, I can’t believe it. We just lost.


Chwiis: No shit, sherlock.


(Furious Fuq Bois- Day 15)


(The Fuq Bois are gathered around in their trailer, as GO is literally dry humping Garret’s head)


Ultra: Man it sure sucks that we lost yesterday.


Milk: You didn’t have to be negative and remind us for the five-trillionth time.


Ultra: Sorry… Say, I never noticed how nice your guys’s trailer is. I mean, ours was alright, but then it got blown up by Rocky. So it’s nice to sleep in a comfortable bed and shower again.


Chwiis: Why? So you can keep skipping challenges like you did with the other team?


Ultra: No? Say, you guys got any McDonalds? Cus I am STARVING.


GO: FORGET MICKEY D’S! LETS HAVE SOME FAST EDDIE’S!


Chwiis: GO, your constant caps and yelling is giving me Ebola and possibly AIDS.


GO: SHUT UP INFIDEL!


Chwiis: YOU WANT BEEF, HOMIE?


Milk: Both of you knock it off!


GO: HE STARTED IT THOUGH.


Garret: But you technically started it. Also, stop dry humping my head. It’s not nice.


GO: SHUT UP GHEY BOI!


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Milk: *In Confessional* So when GO and Ultra both went outside. Chwiis, Garret, and myself agreed to stick together, forming an alliance till’ the end. So it’s obvious we are gona get rid of one of the two newcomers. But as to who, is still undecided at the moment.


Chwiis: *In Confessional* GO is a major pain in the ass, don’t get me wrong. But over the last couple days I’ve learned quickly that Ultra can be just as annoying. I don’t know what exactly it is, but there is something about him that I just don’t like. so yeah, these two so called “veterans” can back off thinking they can just come over in our joint and take over. Cus from now on, it’s Fuq Bois FTW. All day, everyday baby!

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(GO and Ultra are now outside behind the Fuq Bois trailer)


GO: SO YOU THINK WE ARE FUCKED!?


Ultra: Nah man. We’re too likable and I’m pretty sure those three hate each other to death. I’m sure we’ll be fine.


GO: OH OKAY. I SEE YOUR POINT. I JUST HAVE A BAD GUT FEELING ABOUT TONIGHT.


Ultra: *Places hand on GO’s shoulder* Listen, we are SAFE tonight. don’t worry. There is no chance in Hell either of us are going tonight. Guaranteed.


GO: OK ULTRA. I TRUST YOU MAN.


Ultra: We got this in the bag. *Takes bite out of Big Mac*


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Ultra: *In Confessional* Man, I really am having a tough time deciding who we should vote out. I like everybody about equally the same. Hmmmm.


GO: *In Confessional* MOM, DAD. IF I COME HOME EARLY, PLEASE DON’T KILL MY SACRED GOAT YET. THANK YOU.


Milk: *In Confessional* Honestly, at this rate, it’s like an ongoing horse race to see who can be more annoying: GO or Ultra. It’s weird cus usually it’s always an easy decision as to who I’m voting for, but this time I am split 50/50. Either way, good riddance!

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(Elimination Ceremony- Night 15)


Boograssi: Alright Fuq Bois 2.0, you guys know the drill by know. The following are safe: G-


Ultra: Wait! Grass! *reaches through pocket*


Boograssi: What is it?


Ultra: I have an idol!


Chwiis: OH SHIT!


Milk: Ah fuck.


Boograssi: Oh really? Can I see it?


Ultra: Here it is. *Pulls out McDonalds french fry box* Syke. I just always wanted to do that ever since I see them do it on Survivor. Continue on.


Boograssi: Oookay then… Anyways, the following are safe:




Garret



Chwiis




Aannndd…… GO!



GO: PHEW! WAIT, UH OH!


Boograssi: Which means are bottom two are Milk and Ultra. Milk, you’re on the chopping block for your over-strategic reputation, and Ultra, you are on the chopping block for your annoying, extremely inactive reputation. And so the person that gets the last marshmallow is…













Milk! *tosses marshmallow to Milk*


Milk: Well that was a close one. *eats marshmallow* See ya Ultra.


Ultra: Woah, what? Wow, I thought I was in a perfect position. Guess you guys don’t appreciate good teamwork after all.


Chwiis: No, it’s just that we don’t appreciate conniving Jews.


Señor Toastus: And you kept eating that trashy McDonalds shit over my delicioso cooking!


Ultra: Well I had no idea you all felt this way. Sorry guys.


Boograssi: Ultra, the Flush of Shame awaits your fate.


(We cut to Ultra floating in the Flush of Shame)


Boograssi: Any last words? Or are you just gonna try to attempt to rat somebody out that you think screwed you over?


Ultra: Nah, I’m over all that stuff from last season. I’m just glad I made it farther than last time. Also, I wanna let my team know that they are all good people and that I respect them for what they di- *Gets flushed*


Boograssi: Oh shit, was he in the middle of saying something family-friendly!? Oh well. All’s I can say is, that was another interesting elimination. Who will go down the crapper next? Find out next time on Tits! Of! Gooldd!!!


(Before the episode ends, the camera cuts over to inside the Happy Hams tent, as we see RJ sleeping well, when all of a sudden, an arm pops up from underneath the ground. It is sporting a striped sweater and on the hand is a glove with sharp razor knives coming out of the fingers as it places it’s hand over RJ’s head before letting out a devilish laugh)


“TROLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!”


(End)


(Preview for Episode 6 plays)


“Next time on Tits of Gold…”


“The contestants seem to be appearing in some sort of fantasy dream world.”


(Milk and JRO are playing around on top of a giant cake while Chwiis is seen getting anally destroyed by Adolf Hitler)


“And, a surprise return from a familiar face only causes trouble for the worst.”


GO: WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!


RJ: But I can’t die yet! I have yet to meet my idol Kelley Wentworth!


“It all happens on Tits of Gold, Episode 6: A Nightmare On Chip Street”


(End of preview)